The Perfect Prison For A Pirate
by Unformal Sorrelle
Summary: Spoilers up to 2X15. Emma doesn't like her options on what to do with an unconscious Hook. She knows that anything, short of death anyway, he would get out of eventually and wind up causing more trouble. So, she comes up with a crazy solution due to it being a crazy world. She's going to break the Fourth Wall and send him to the fangirls. CRACK!Fic.


The Perfect Prison For A Pirate

A crack!fic

_Yes, I'm sorry. I was inspired by an awesome friend of mine to write this. I apologize for some of the craziness and hope you laugh at (well, _with_ I would hope, but _at_ works too I suppose...) something found in this random soup of fiction._

_Disclaimer: I only own my ideas. And then my cat owns me. So, if there's any problems you will have to take it up with her. She says "Mrouu" by the way. So, unless you're proposing that a cat owns Once Upon a Time, this is a fanfic and nothing but a fanfic. That's what this site _is _for anyways..._

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Emma stared at Hook, once again unsure what to make of the man. He was obviously evil, but not in a Regina or Rumplestiltskin kind of way. Killing your lover's murderer was an understandable goal after all, especially when he was the manipulative Dark One. However, Hook's methods were not. Shooting Belle? Working with Cora? Opening his mouth at all?

Emma swore that every word out of his mouth was 'punch me in the face repeatedly.'

But now, she had to figure out what to do with him.

In the real world, she should have been able to go to the cops. That would have been a fun experience. Hook had absolutely no id, was dressed in too much leather and was wearing a bounty of eyeliner. She could totally pull off that he was an insane psycho who had randomly tried to kill Mr. Gold with a hook to the chest. Hook would get psych evaluated for claiming he was a Peter Pan character and would be thrown into the Land Without Magic's wonderful prison system for a few years. Win for her, embarrassment for him.

Unfortunately, she didn't have that kind of time and Storybrooke didn't want that much scrutiny. So, no dice.

Other options? Anywhere she'd leave him he would just escape and cause more trouble. She wasn't going to kill him but Hook just kept getting more and more violent; Archie's kidnapping, Belle's shooting, and now Gold's stabbing. The irritating pirate was just getting too dangerous, next time he might kill someone or even hurt Henry. The man just wasn't safe to be left to chance. She needed to get him away.

Then she thought. It was a crazy idea. That meant it was probably going to work. Ever sense she'd met Henry, the world had been insane. It was only fitting that the best solution to her problem would be too.

With a frown, Emma started dragging Hook to a temporary holding cell- a storage container- and locked him up. She had a few quick questions to ask Henry.

...

Hook started to stir just as Emma started her plan.

"What are you doing?" Hook yawned, his eyes not able to focus for more than a second. _Ah, concussion_, Emma guessed. That is what head trauma usually does anyways.

"Sending you somewhere. Somewhere you'll never come back from if I'm lucky."

"What? Why would you ever wanna send this face away?" He tried to smirk, "And you forgot, there's no magic in this world. So unless you got a lot of stamps I'm staying right where I am."

"Except, I'm not so sure about that." Emma said, "See, I think it's kinda weird that all these magical worlds are in our fiction section. It almost makes me think that maybe, just maybe, they aren't the only ones."

"What are you barking up, pet? You're not making any sense. Much be that lovely golden hair of yours."

"You, for example, started out in a play in this world. Then a Disney movie. Yet, when I when to the fairytale world there wasn't any stories about, say... George Washington or Joan of Arc. But there was Mulan who- Never mind, anyways it doesn't make any sense unless my world is the first world. Everything's so crazy that it just seems like someone took their favorite characters under public domain and smushed them together."

"What?" Hook looked so darn confused that Emma had to smile.

"This is fiction. It has to be."

"I'm not fictional. I'm telling to right here and now I'm as real as they come."

"You're a pirate who wears eyeliner. Eyeliner, dude, when you're from a medieval world."

Hook made a sort of disbelieving snort and rolled his eyes like any guy caught wearing makeup.

"And so, I'm going to send you somewhere else using the Fourth Wall." Emma declared, pleased when the universe started to rumble.

"What was that?" Hook now looked visibly spooked, "What was that?!"

"I'm breaking the Fourth Wall." Emma offered, "Henry was right; all I have to do it talk about it. Then I'll push you through the resulting plot hole and you'll be out of my hair for a while."

"A plot hole?! What are you doing!? Stop, woman, stop! You have no idea what you're doing!"

Emma looked at the pirate and took a second to snap his terrified expression with her phone camera. There, immortalized forever. Hopefully, this would keep everyone safe.

"Everyone out there in the real world?" Emma addressed the blank wall, "I'm sending you a gift. Who ever wanted the pirate? Well, you can have him."

A black hole opened under Hook's chair and swallowed him.

...

In the real world, past the Fourth Wall, Hook's biggest fangirl got an early Christmas present and squealed. And squeed. And danced around happily, inviting all her internet friends over to gloat and glomp.

Hook... Well, there are no words that anyone would ever want to think of to describe his condition. Needless to say, he would have been much happier if Emma would have stranded him in a New York storage container, locked up and with a concussion. Without id. Or money. Even without his ship. And an acute lack of eyeliner! He really would have been happier anywhere else.

The fangirls had a parade.

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**A/N**: Second ever Once Upon a Time fic, and it's crack! Why am I not surprised with myself? *Sigh* Hopefully, someone enjoyed it though. Not poor Hook though... Whatever, he deserves it.

Anyways, I wrote this because around an hour ago, a friend and I were texting about this awesome show and she came up with the idea of giving Hook to the fangirls. That, of course, urged me to write this. So, I dedicate this to Ashley and hope she likes it. I know I probably should have put more on Hook and the fangirls but... I wasn't quite feeling _that_ evil. Maybe next time.

See, if I was evil, I'd ask the readers to review with who Hook ended up with. Who his biggest fan is? Since I'm not, I'll settle for the time tested bribe of virtual cookies. With cherries on top. Because everything should have a cherry on top.


End file.
